Sometimes I wish I could be the only person in the whole world. That I could be left alone to my own thoughts and I would never have to worry about ever meeting anybody or having to speak to anybody… This feeling usually happens after I’ve finished a book, a movie, or a video that meant so much to me that I just wanted to be alone, to think about it in much more detail than I previously had. This is one of those moments!
Although these moment don’t happen very often I’m glad when they do. They seem to give me purpose, to put things into perspective that hadn’t been before. They allow me to analyse the situation into such great depth that ignoring everybody around me seems to be the only option. While having these moment I have been known to block out everything surrounding me. Friends have thought that I was angry with them but I just simply didn’t feel like talking. In fact I wish this happened more often, especially in school. I wish could be the person, never speaking, eating lunch by themselves just watching everybody. Taking in people’s movements, mannerisms, habits. But that is only a wish.
In my actual day to day life I find myself having to be surrounded by friends, even the idea of being alone usually scares me. I guess what I fear the most is people judging me. Nobody every talks about the quiet girl whose always with her ‘friends’ but if I actually allowed myself to become a loner I would be stereotyped as ‘weird’. Usually I am quiet proud when people call me weird. The prospect of being different was always appealing to me but I don’t think I would be very good at being a loner… Always muttering words to myself, giggling when nothing funny has been said, writing on my hand when an idea comes to me, I wouldn’t be called weird, I’d be called a psycho, and i wouldn’t blame people. I mean I practically am one. I actually do all the things I’ve mentioned up above except I’m am with friends when this happens. People then just assume I am talking to them, or laughing at something they’ve said, or writing a reminder on my hand that the new episode of 90210 is on tonight and I can’t miss it. But that’s not it… That’s not it at all
Maybe I am a psycho, but at least I’m different and I don’t believe that’s a bad thing.
In summary, I guess all I was trying to say is I need more alone time, and that’s not a bad thing…